It’s easy to dwell on past mistakes. Especially when it feels like you could have done things differently, it’s hard not to keep replaying those events in your mind.
We’ve all been there, caught in the loop of replaying past events and choices in our minds, wondering what we could have done differently. It’s a common human experience to dwell on the past, investing significant mental and emotional energy into moments we can’t change.
I’m not here to judge if you find yourself frequently lost in thoughts of what could have been. Most of us do it to some extent. But the truth is, no matter how much we ruminate, we can’t alter the past. What we can do is learn from it and use those insights to make better choices moving forward.
Now, that’s all sounds good and all, right? In practice, it’s tough to not think about what you said during that meeting, or what you didn’t say to that person.
If you want to learn how to stop dwelling on past mistakes, you first need to change your attitude about the past. We need to accept the past in order to change the present. As the psychologist Nathaniel Branden once said:
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”
The question is: What puts us on the mental replay in the first place? Here are four things that can cause us to dwell too much on the past.
1. Perfectionism
Anxious folks are too hard on themselves. They expect themselves to be perfect. When they make mistakes, they feel like their whole life is over.
Unfortunately, our society and especially the corporate culture we live in are not very friendly to mistakes. No one likes to make mistakes at work, but it happens. It’s better to accept that you’re not perfect and improve gradually. There’s a difference between aiming for excellence and perfection.
People who aim for excellence tend to perform better at their jobs, have better mental health, and are more satisfied with their lives. That’s a finding from a study by Joachim Stoeber and Kathleen Otto in 2006. In addition, research has shown that self-compassion, or treating oneself with kindness and understanding, can counteract the negative effects of perfectionism (Neff, 2010).
What’s the key difference between perfectionism and excellence-seeking? The first is rooted in fear, the second in courage.
2. An inability to learn from the past
When you keep making the same mistakes, it only makes sense to look back and ask yourself:
- What happened?
- Why did I do what I did?
- What could I have done differently?
Asking those questions is an important part of learning from your past.
The skill of emotional agility is about experiencing thoughts and emotions without getting stuck in them as if they are quicksand (Susan David, 2016). By practicing this skill we can learn from the past without getting stuck in it.
3. Unresolved past issues
Do you have unresolved issues from the past? Are you still mad at someone who wronged you? Or, are you still angry at yourself for something you did?
Instead of just focusing on the WHAT (you or others did), try to figure out the WHY.
- Why is that person who hurt you so important to you?
- Why do you treat yourself that way?
I believe that old issues are like a thorn in your foot. You always feel that something’s nagging at you. And to fix that, you have to pull that thorn out.
4. You don’t live in the present
It’s not a mystery that happy people live in the present. They are not stuck in the past. The past is gone. The future is unknown. The only thing you can control is right now. So why not make the most of it?
People who are always in their heads are funny. They are locked in a room in their mind that’s full of darkness and broken records. The only way to get them out is to give them a reason. But they don’t see that when they are stuck in the past.
We must give ourselves reasons to live in the present. That’s what it all boils down to. And you know what the only reason is? You. You are the only reason you need to be in the present. Because that’s where the magic happens.
Today, I’m not going to make the same mistake I made yesterday. That’s my promise to myself. And I don’t have to look back to the past to do that. Now it’s your turn.
Practicing presence through meditation in nature.
Want to stop dwelling on past mistakes? Practice being in the present
Here’s a helpful exercise I use:
1. Reflect on the past:
- Ask yourself: “What lessons have I learned from the past?”
- Write down the insights and how you’ll apply them from now on.
2. Set your intention for the day:
- Declare to yourself: “Today, I promise to be present. I will bring my best self to the world.”
I hope this exercise helps you to become more present. Give it a try. And if you don’t have time now, set a reminder for yourself in the future. We all have a past. Not all of us have a future.
