We live in a culture of excess, and the pursuit of ‘more’ can easily become the default mode of parenting. More classes, more gadgets, more Instagram-able moments. But a growing number of parents are finding the key to happier kids might be…less.
These minimalist moms and dads are discovering that by stripping away the clutter — both literal and metaphorical — they’re creating more space for what really counts.
Here are 5 minimalist parenting hacks that can help your children truly thrive.
1. Prioritize experiences over things
The joy of getting something new doesn’t last long. And the more things kids have, the more they want. We cultivate a mindset of scarcity and insatiability in our kids by buying them everything they ask for.
If we choose to spend our money on experiences and skills instead, we help our kids build a treasure trove of good memories and knowledge. Experiences are a lasting gift that can never be taken away.
One family I know has a “no new toys” rule. Instead, for every special occasion where they would normally gift a toy, they choose an experience. It could be cooking lessons for the whole family, a camping trip, or tickets to a music festival.
Research shows that spending money on experiences (like travel, concerts, or dining out) makes us happier than buying material goods. Study author, Hal Hershfield, a professor and researcher at UCLA, writes:
“When we spend money on an experience, we find a sense of increased vitality, which is a feeling of being alive. With a material purchase, you simply buy and own an item, and it might provide some momentary pleasure, but that item will never make you feel alive.”
Experiences also make us happier than material possessions even when we’re simply planning to do them. Even during the research phase or making arrangements, the potential joy we might get is already a pleasant experience in itself.
2. Limit extracurriculars
Signing your child up for piano lessons, soccer practice, ballet class, and theater club can seem like a great way to keep them busy and stimulated. But when we overschedule our kids, it can backfire.
Too many extracurricular activities can raise stress levels and actually reduce a child’s ability to take initiative. They’re too used to being given things to do, and when they have free time, they might not know what to do with it.
Giving kids unscheduled free time is vital for development.
To balance structured activities with free time, try this rule of thumb: Make sure your kids have at least as much downtime as they spend on organized activities.
The social scientist Brené Brown supports this idea, writing:
“We mistakenly believe that doing more for our kids is giving more. It’s not. It’s often giving them less. When we treat our children like they’re fragile and have little to offer, we get a front-row seat to a blossoming sense of entitlement (and) lack of self-worth.”
3. Simplify birthday parties
So many birthday parties today are over-the-top: Fancy themes, entertainment, decadent cakes, and mountains of gifts.
One family I know decided they’d had enough of this stress and expense, so they encouraged their child to opt out of traditional birthday parties. Instead, they gave their child the idea of having a small gathering at home, and their friends would all go on a special outing or experience together.
A popular trend now is what’s called a “fiver” party. Instead of bringing gifts, guests are asked to bring $5 to give to the birthday child, who can then save up for something big or donate to charity. This can be a great way to teach children about the value of money and the power of giving.
If you want to keep things very simple, you can also suggest experiences like planting a tree together, having a beach bonfire, or having a backyard movie night.
4. Embrace “good enough” parenting
When we let go of perfectionism and comparison, we free up energy to focus on the things that matter most. As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in trying to be “perfect” parents who never make mistakes.
But this mindset only leads to stress and disappointment. It’s more important to be good enough parents who do their best to love and support their children.
One of my friends recently shared how she used to spend hours crafting Pinterest-worthy bento boxes for her kids’ lunches. She also used to take on too many freelance projects to afford a bigger house, new car, and other luxuries.
But since the pandemic, she and her family have been focusing on the essentials: Health, quality time, and learning new skills. Her kids are now proud to pack their own healthy, waste-free lunches. And my friend even inspired her husband to enroll in a free online course that got him started on a new career.
Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of numerous books on parenting, writes:
“What’s often thought of as benign parental error, like being inconsistent, creates more anxiety in children than many people think. And striving for perfect parenting just makes worse parents. It also makes sadder kids.”
5. Make space for emotions
In our fast-paced, plugged-in world, we often try to “fix” everything — from our kids’ bad moods to our own inner demons. But what if we just made space for our emotions instead?
When we put away our devices, turn off the TV, and sit quietly with our kids, we give them room to feel their feelings. This is especially true for big tantrums, cries, and arguments.
Kids need room to freely express their full range of emotions.
One time, my three-year-old nephew was having a huge meltdown. He was screaming and thrashing around so much that it was hard to get near him.
His mom, who’d been learning about how to manage big emotions, decided to sit down on the floor and just watch for a bit. She noticed her son was trying to get his toy car to go forward. When it wouldn’t, he would get even more upset.
So she said, “Oh no, your car won’t go! You must be really mad!” She simply mirrored her son’s emotions. In a few seconds, the tantrum was over and they were talking about what to do next.
A study from the Gottman Institute, a well-known research and therapy center founded by the respected marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman, supports the idea that kids who have parents that notice and name their emotions do better in school and in life.
In the study, researchers gave a group of parents a list of emotions and told them to either notice and name the emotions when they see it in their child, or to ignore their child’s feelings. The children of parents who noticed and named their emotions had better social skills, stronger relationships, higher confidence, and better results at school.
Less is more
Minimalist parenting, in my view, is about making conscious choices about how we spend our limited time, money, and energy. It’s about giving our kids the space they need to grow into the people they want to be.
As we get rid of the non-essentials in our lives, we can focus on what matters most. Our kids don’t need the latest gadgets or the fanciest toys; they need our love and attention.
When we slow down and simplify, we give our children the gift of our presence. And that’s something money can’t buy.
